By we, I mean the collective "we", as in all of us. I know where I've been, sort of. I have been here, looking at the stuff in my house, making new pathways out of the boxes that are piled in my kitchen and hallway, listening to my husband of 25 years freaking out every time he realizes that he can't park in the garage because I have it packed to the rafters with MY shit, and wondering when I will ever be at the point when I feel like actually going through it all.
Of course, hubby's worry is that when our lease is due for renewal in April that the landlords will have decided that they want to sell the house which means another awful moving day for us (me) if I can't get my act together. My worry is that he is part of the stuff that I'd have to move with me if we have to go.
Suffice it to say that getting through the last oh, maybe 14 years of being married to a hoarder has not been easy on said hubby, but man, he really needs to lighten up! It is difficult enough to be going through the guilt of "scarring my children for life" with this dis-ease of mine. But to have him scream, bark, pant, crash, blow up, freak out, scream louder, throw things, kick walls (if you are reading this, dear landlords, that was at our house that we owned...), and threaten to start a bonfire with all of my shit doesn't help me at all.
Do any of you watch the "Hoarder" shows? Well, our house isn't like that. And I keep it clean. Mostly. I have to vacuum and dust because of the pets. And I keep the kitchen clean because I have to use it to cook for my family. And just last week, we had a horrible back-up in the upstairs bathtub, but once the water finally receded, I scrubbed the tub TWICE! Once to get out all of the back-up crud, and the second time to get out all of the caked on dirt from the previous tenants once and for all. It kind of made me sick to realize that all of this dirt that we have been standing on in the shower for the past nine months was leftover from the people before us. But I made a concoction of stuff and scrubbed like crazy and finally got it all out. It looks brand new! I think my lungs are okay from the secret mix that I made, but time will tell. And we have a sparkling white bathtub to boot!
Anyway, back to the "Hoarder" shows. It seems that there are one of two scenarios that happen on them with married couples. Scenario one is that BOTH parties get sucked into the unreality of the situation at hand, and then neither one of them knows how to start the process of de-cluttering, so they just keep things as they are. Scenario two is that one partner finally has to leave the situation because they just can't handle it any more. Most times, they still keep a relationship with their spouse, keeping quiet about what's going on to an extent, but never trying to help in a way that would make things better. They live in separate places leaving the partner with the dis-order feeling as cluttered in their thoughts as they are in the home.
My husband will not watch the shows with me. He tells me that my therapist was a quack and does not know what she is talking about. Or that I didn't really listen to her because I'm obviously not going through the steps that I should be going through to make this all go away. He says that I probably lied to her during every session. He was there for a session once. He was supposed to listen to her, to her and my conversation to see how he could help me. Instead, he started getting very agitated and got progressively louder and more belligerent until she finally asked me to leave the room. I could not hear exactly what they were saying, but I did get the gist of what was going on. She, in as an even tone as was possible, told him that he was toxic to me, and that he was probably not going to be the one who would be helping me. And I wonder why my life is so cluttered?
Last thing to talk about today. I have done it again. I have two new dogs that are not in my pictures. All but one of the original animals that are included in my pictures on the blog were either taken away from me or have died (due to old age and one horrible accident). In order to "feel the love" that I seem to be missing, I have Santo and Sage. They are two pit bulls. And I have Coraline, Lola, Paisley, Summer, and Willow. They are the house cats. Summer and Willow have feline leukemia and are about 7-months-old. They live in our bedroom because they can't be around the other cats. I have found an incredible litter that keeps the smell of the cats at bay. It is really nice to walk into the house and not smell cats. The dogs are all housebroken, so they are not an issue. But what is an issue is that I can't stop! I'm not kidding! A new animal means a new living creature that loves me...unconditionally. And that is what is at the heart of hoarding. The animals love me. I love them. I love the stuff. Or I love the memories that it represents. It is a vicious cycle. But knowing that is not enough.
So, where have you all been? And what new things can you share with me? Well, not things. I have enough things. But what is new with you?
